Via Paul comes one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen:

Slammers: wow in a bottle.

That’s not “WOW” as in the Olestra-filled chips, but “wow” as in :”Wow, I can’t believe they’re actually marketing this crap.

What crap? Oh, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, and Starburst milk. Did you hear me wretch as I typed that? That’s nothing… check this out:

Moon Pie milk. Now, back in the day, I liked a Moon Pie as much as the next guy, but the idea of Moon Pies in liquid form is beyond disgusting… it’s reprehensible. Especially when they’re marketing it as being healthy (”Excellent source of calcium and protein!”). You’ll be happy to know that Moon Pie milk also “delivers Moon Pie® awareness and brand loyalty” and is available in chocolate and banana flavors.

If you haven’t had enough of the insanity, read the about page where the marketing speak spews like a giant fountain of disgusting crossbranded milk products (emphasis mine):

“Bravo! Foods International Corp. has become a leading brand development company by bringing to market products that are a surprising, nourishing experience.

“Future opportunities are leading Bravo! into additional market segments with innovative branded products. The Bravo! success story is built upon a shared creative vision to focus fiercely on delivering highly competitive products to markets that deliver retail excitement, inspire brand loyalty and deliver an enviable return on shareholder investment.”

I’ve got to quote the entire “Our Slammers Brand” section because it provides more marketing speak-per-breath than anything I’ve ever read. I’m not making any of this up, just adding some more emphasis to the especially amusing phrases:

Slammers® is milk with an attitude. It combines all the goodness of Mother Nature’s perfect food marketed with a unique, fun and edgy brand personality. By segmenting the market demographically and psychographically, Slammers® is the first milk product positioned as a beverage rather than a commodity.

Just as they love Super HeroTM comic books, TV shows and movies, kids love the Marvel® Super HeroesTM that represent Ultimate Slammers®. They discover that each flavor is fortified to match the super power of the hero on its bottle, making the product even more fun to drink.

Teens and Tweens are drawn to the extreme athletes who represent Pro SlammersTM. Whether they like skateboarding, in-line skating, BMX biking or the attitude these sports embody, Pro SlammersTM is their badge of belonging, and the double slam of protein helps keep them energized and ready-to-go.

Teens go for the edgy attitude of Slammers® Starburst® fruit & crème smoothies and their four juicy fruit flavors just like Starburst® fruit chews. 3 Musketeers® Slammers® low fat chocolate milk gives young women a light and fluffy refresher while Milky Way® Slammers® reduced fat chocolate milk is a great taste all can agree upon.

Finally, banana and chocolate Moon Pie® Slammers® complete the brand family with its loyal Moon Pie® following that has been a United States phenomenon for generations.

It probably shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that Dairy Foods Magazine (oh my God, it’s a real magazine!) says, “For all its innovative efforts in the single-serve flavored milk arena, Dairy Foods says ‘hats off’ to Bravo! Foods.” (Do read this article on soy milk production within dairy plants if you get a chance.)

And, lastly, “Bravo!” is the name of the company that makes this crap? That’s almost as stupid of a name as “Yum!“