Bravo! Hooray for crap!

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Via Paul comes one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen:

Slammers: wow in a bottle.

That’s not “WOW” as in the Olestra-filled chips, but “wow” as in :”Wow, I can’t believe they’re actually marketing this crap.

What crap? Oh, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, and Starburst milk. Did you hear me wretch as I typed that? That’s nothing… check this out:

Moon Pie milk. Now, back in the day, I liked a Moon Pie as much as the next guy, but the idea of Moon Pies in liquid form is beyond disgusting… it’s reprehensible. Especially when they’re marketing it as being healthy (“Excellent source of calcium and protein!”). You’ll be happy to know that Moon Pie milk also “delivers Moon Pie® awareness and brand loyalty” and is available in chocolate and banana flavors.

If you haven’t had enough of the insanity, read the about page where the marketing speak spews like a giant fountain of disgusting crossbranded milk products (emphasis mine):

“Bravo! Foods International Corp. has become a leading brand development company by bringing to market products that are a surprising, nourishing experience.

“Future opportunities are leading Bravo! into additional market segments with innovative branded products. The Bravo! success story is built upon a shared creative vision to focus fiercely on delivering highly competitive products to markets that deliver retail excitement, inspire brand loyalty and deliver an enviable return on shareholder investment.”

I’ve got to quote the entire “Our Slammers Brand” section because it provides more marketing speak-per-breath than anything I’ve ever read. I’m not making any of this up, just adding some more emphasis to the especially amusing phrases:

Slammers® is milk with an attitude. It combines all the goodness of Mother Nature’s perfect food marketed with a unique, fun and edgy brand personality. By segmenting the market demographically and psychographically, Slammers® is the first milk product positioned as a beverage rather than a commodity.

Just as they love Super HeroTM comic books, TV shows and movies, kids love the Marvel® Super HeroesTM that represent Ultimate Slammers®. They discover that each flavor is fortified to match the super power of the hero on its bottle, making the product even more fun to drink.

Teens and Tweens are drawn to the extreme athletes who represent Pro SlammersTM. Whether they like skateboarding, in-line skating, BMX biking or the attitude these sports embody, Pro SlammersTM is their badge of belonging, and the double slam of protein helps keep them energized and ready-to-go.

Teens go for the edgy attitude of Slammers® Starburst® fruit & crème smoothies and their four juicy fruit flavors just like Starburst® fruit chews. 3 Musketeers® Slammers® low fat chocolate milk gives young women a light and fluffy refresher while Milky Way® Slammers® reduced fat chocolate milk is a great taste all can agree upon.

Finally, banana and chocolate Moon Pie® Slammers® complete the brand family with its loyal Moon Pie® following that has been a United States phenomenon for generations.

It probably shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that Dairy Foods Magazine (oh my God, it’s a real magazine!) says, “For all its innovative efforts in the single-serve flavored milk arena, Dairy Foods says ‘hats off’ to Bravo! Foods.” (Do read this article on soy milk production within dairy plants if you get a chance.)

And, lastly, “Bravo!” is the name of the company that makes this crap? That’s almost as stupid of a name as “Yum!

23 Responses to “Bravo! Hooray for crap!”

  1. Paul

    “They discover that each flavor is fortified to match the super power of the hero on its bottle, making the product even more fun to drink.”

    So it tastes just like Spider-Man! Yum!… er, I mean, Bravo!

    This is so good.

  2. shananigans

    That would be funny…if it weren’t real. It’s just kind of creepy, soulless capitalism as it stands.

  3. pleather

    I’m with you on the wretching. Just thinking about flavored milks grosses me out to begin with, but the whole marketing thing makes it even worse.

  4. vegenaise

    I’m vegan with attitude, and I say fuck this shit. Really. This is some amazingly sick marketing. How can people actually write this kind of PR-ese and not laugh at themselves?

    But that aside, anything that makes milk ‘cooler’ or more profitable is pretty crap in my book.

  5. Katherine

    When I read the line about the Slammers containing Mother Nature’s perfect food, I was like, wait, (human) breastmilk?

    Seriously, there’s nothing like nursing a baby to make you look at cow’s milk in a different light. Cow’s milk may be Mother Nature’s perfect food… for baby cows.

  6. Veggie Geek

    That stuff sounds so incredibly nasty – for body and mind.

    I wonder about the people who come up with this crap. Are they really human, or are they some alien race bent on enslaving us through twisted marketspeak.

  7. running2ks

    Yes, we want our children to have hormones and antibiotics, with a lot of sugar and artificial coloring.

    Sure. NOT.

  8. penguin

    omg, i agree with a previous comment…it’s almost funny except it’s real and that just makes me sick. uuggg

  9. Mark

    Pretty disgusting stuff. I can imagine younger kids actually believing that they will get closer to some “power” by drinking that junk.

    I won’t be surprised if they start marketing candy the same way.

    Yucko…..

  10. Debby

    Did anyone happen to notice when you click on the “Benefits” button (by clicking on individual flavors). Nothing happens? So you see, that expalins it all.. Benefits? THERE ARE NONE……
    I only tried this with the Starburst flavor (YUCK!).

  11. Rutlandgrl

    For Debby, and all of us , before you slam someone on here you should look use the scroll button it gave you the bennefits of the milk by product. I too am Vegan and not happy with the effects of what takes place however slamming people and not using morals tack and educate don’t preach in my own life i bring my food to outings and to the coffee shops most that i frequent have not trouble i alone have touched over 1000 people in a year to at least stop eating eggs or drinking milk yes its only a start but by seeing what i believe and not judging we can all make a super difference. No disrespect to anyone only a wise comment of bees with honey not vinegar it works.

    Traci

  12. T. Carter Wynn

    I dis-agree! Just had a BRVO Milky-Slammer, and it was AWESOME!
    What you’re missing here, when they say the “better-for-your-beverage”, they largly mean in relation to carbonated soda-pop! Compare the nutritional value of a bottle of Milky-Way Slammers to a Hanson’s All-natural soda (compare the sugar-levels), and you’ll see that you’d rather have you child drinking a Slammer than a Coke!
    But if you’re a Vegan, than the argument is mute!
    I personally know the CEO, and I disagree with your “moral-highground” rhetoric! While Slammers are sold for a profit, and it is a publicly traded company, so is Blue-Sky Soda or the impressive line of Hain-Celestial Group’s foods/bevearages…sure, they are “more-natural”, generally better for you, and tend to be “organic”, but they employ the same marketing machinations as Bravo!
    If you eat a 3-Muskateers or Milky-Way, or if your kid does; Or if you 4-20, and get the munchies, and dare eat a Moon-Pie, then “shame-on-you”, b/c you’d be just as “guilty” as if you were driking a Slammer!
    I will say the Starburst flavor does SUCK! But I like the Milky-Way, and I’d rather have my kid drink one of those, than a soda out of the machine!

  13. T. Carter Wynn

    I dis-agree! Just had a BRVO Milky-Way Slammer, and it was AWESOME!
    What you’re missing here, when they say the “better-for-your-beverage”, they largly mean in relation to carbonated soda-pop! Compare the nutritional value of a bottle of Milky-Way Slammers to a Hanson’s All-natural soda (compare the sugar-levels), and you’ll see that you’d rather have you child drinking a Slammer than a Coke!
    But if you’re a Vegan, than the argument is mute!
    I personally know the CEO, and I disagree with your “moral-highground” rhetoric! While Slammers are sold for a profit, and it is a publicly traded company, so is Blue-Sky Soda or the impressive line of Hain-Celestial Group’s foods/bevearages…sure, they are “more-natural”, generally better for you, and tend to be “organic”, but they employ the same marketing machinations as Bravo!
    If you eat a 3-Muskateers or Milky-Way, or if your kid does; Or if you 4-20, and get the munchies, and dare eat a Moon-Pie, then “shame-on-you”, b/c you’d be just as “guilty” as if you were driking a Slammer!
    I will say the Starburst flavor does SUCK! But I like the Milky-Way, and I’d rather have my kid drink one of those, than a soda out of the machine!

  14. T. Carter Wynn

    I dis-agree! Just had a BRVO Milky-Way Slammer, and it was AWESOME!
    What you’re missing here, when they say the “better-for-your-beverage”, they largly mean in relation to carbonated soda-pop! Compare the nutritional value of a bottle of Milky-Way Slammers to a Hanson’s All-natural soda (compare the sugar-levels), and you’ll see that you’d rather have you child drinking a Slammer than a Coke!
    But if you’re a Vegan, than the argument is mute!
    I personally know the CEO, and I disagree with your “moral-highground” rhetoric! While Slammers are sold for a profit, and it is a publicly traded company, so is Blue-Sky Soda or the impressive line of Hain-Celestial Group’s foods/bevearages…sure, they are “more-natural”, generally better for you, and tend to be “organic”, but they employ the same marketing machinations as Bravo!
    If you eat a 3-Muskateers or Milky-Way, or if your kid does; Or if you 4-20, and get the munchies, and dare eat a Moon-Pie, then “shame-on-you”, b/c you’d be just as “guilty” as if you were driking a Slammer!
    I will say the Starburst flavor does SUCK! But I like the Milky-Way, and I’d rather have my kid drink one of those, than a soda out of the machine!

  15. TBOBE

    I think they taste great. Better than whole milk and much better than soda.

    Kids want sweets and this is better for them than 80% of the products out there.

    An occasional sweet never killed anyone and this isa very good alternative to most of the crap out there.

  16. lyndal

    My two kids love the Slim Slammers. Better than many drinks out there.

  17. Chang Xinh

    I love Starburst flavor. I think this is a wish them much success. in Bravo! and cannot wait to try slammers other flavs. God bless the world

  18. Gooch

    Ignorant Vegblogers…check out the stock of this company bravobrands.com. They actually just signed on with General Mills to market your favorite breakfast treats too. Don’t hate the player hate the game. This is a potentially explosive company/stock. If you’re interested in moving out of your parents basement and like to make some money, check out the ticker symbol brvo.ob. Currently at .62 cents a share.

  19. Jack

    Why not try the Slim Slammers (to be found at most any 7-Eleven store before you knock this product. I have been a slammer fan for over a year and my grandchildren love the chocolate varieties but not the fruit flavors.

  20. Miggie

    I agree with T. Carter Wynn. It is BETTER for you… not perfect for you. It is a hell of a lot better for you than soda, which it is positioned to replace in schools and vending machines.

    If you want to live on organic carrots and tofu this isn’t for you but if you want to live in the real world, this is a super product and a big step in the right direction.

  21. pamela

    Yeah, I am sure the starburst flavoured syrup-milk is grrrrrreat. Who cares that it has growth hormones, pus, and blood in it? Drink up. No matter what, you cannot deny that this came from a cow tit. Imagine yourself on all fours suckling from a cow tit. It’s charming, really.
    The only animal designed to drink cow milk is baby cows.

  22. Danielle

    I saw this shit in the convenience store in my apartment building. What evil marketing mook came up with the idea to put a candy bar in pus-filled, hormone-laden milk? I’d love to see someone check how much sugar is in those things compared to soda. You know what milk does that soda doesn’t? Fat, cholesterol, hormones, antibiotics, blood, pus, rocket fuel….

    Yeah, sure, milk does a body good. If you’re a CALF!!!

  23. Sean

    “This is a potentially explosive company/stock. If you’re interested in moving out of your parents basement and like to make some money, check out the ticker symbol brvo.ob. Currently at .62 cents a share.”

    Dude,
    Can I get in for, like, $100 bucks?

    Sean

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